May was just as I had anticipated it would be: full. In the absence of racing this month, I did a lot of other high-quality stuff: lots of marathon training mileage, of course (posting just shy of 200 miles, about 196 and change) but also quite rewarding and gratifying non-running stuff, too.

While I wasn’t racing, I was instead going to the land of the mouse to celebrate my eldest’s 7th birthday, hosting my in-law(s) at my home for the whole month, doing lots of prep work for my eldest’s Girl Scout bridging (sort of like a promotion from one level in GS to the next), and helping out a lot at school with all the end-of-year stuff that comes at the end of an academic year. Add to the mix lots of freelancing again, and it felt like the month ended just as quickly as it started. Somewhere in the middle, I might have blinked. Maybe. All of that combined with raising a feisty almost three year-old and yeah, the days are long and years are short or some such nonsense. It’s all a blur. At least it’s a good blur, anyway.

Really, I have zero complaints with how this month fared, especially as it relates to running. I took more rest days than I planned, simply due to our time down south at the beginning of the month, but no matter. Experience has taught me that walking around for 10+ hours for a few days in a row confers comparable benefits as does running easily for 30-60 minutes each day. (I still always bring running clothes with me, in the event that an opportunity presents itself, but I sorta assume that it’s not going to happen).

I don’t exactly know how to describe it, but I think May helped me to turn a corner on all this post-stroke stuff, too. I wrote something similar back in April, but I felt it even more in the past month. The passage of time has a way of helping with these things in that regard. I’m at a point where I can safely say that I will go for days on end without thinking even a fleeting thought about it and that, more often than not, when the thoughts do arise, it’s more a statement of fact than one that precipitates a shit-ton of anxiety or a meltdown.

Case in point: when my eldest is at swim practice, I run laps around the school campus. Coincidentally, this often puts me directly across the street from the hospital where I was admitted. I think I’ve said it in this space before, but for a while, even seeing the hospital was gut-wrenching (which was also horribly inconvenient since there’s a great Baskin-Robbins nearby). Fortunately, for the most part, nowadays when I run past the hospital repeatedly on my Tuesday and Thursday night runs, I don’t feel any different a reaction upon seeing it than I do upon encountering any of the other multitudinous businesses and establishments along my way. It’s there. That happened. Move on. It’s little, but it’s big, if that makes any sense at all. I don’t want to particularly think or talk about this anymore.

What, no doubt, has helped facilitate these corner-turning feelings has been my running this past month (and the continued passage of time, surely). Running is great for the cardiovascular and physiological side of things, but shit, it sure does wonders for lots of other messy (mental) stuff, too. It was sometime during the past month where I began to feel my confidence returning. Showing up and doing workouts that made me literally laugh out loud — how do I run that?! — and running hard and consistently on fatigued legs, not being intimidated by the prescribed volume or intensity, helped me regain a sense of accomplishment, pride, and really — bottom line — confidence that the stroke compromised a few months ago. I totally, absolutely, wholeheartedly get that as far as strokes go, I got super duper lucky, but that said, that doesn’t change the fact that my world got turned upside down and inside out a million times over there for a while. The mental side was rough, to say the least. Running does so much for me mentally — as it does for so many of you, as well — and I’m just elated as can be that both it and the general passage of time have helped me inch beyond everything.

We do this stuff to feel strong, and regaining the feeling of strength after being robbed of it (for whatever reason) is pretty powerful stuff.

That feeling — of promise, hope, opportunity, potential, second chances, however you want to label it — is indescribable.

The month of May, and its concomitant miles, gave me plenty of opportunities to have those feelings again and all but think to myself I AM HERE (no shame in this game).   

Where I am now is as good or better a place I would have hoped to be going into my first marathon of the year. Honestly, I couldn’t have been/couldn’t be happier.

I’m not particularly interested in comparing my current fitness level to that of yesteryears, but at this point, I can say that I like how I’m feeling and that it excites me. Aside from the usual workouts during the week, the long runs on the weekend — which have often been in ARP, in Janet’s and my neck of the woods — have also been tremendously helpful. Marathon runners will often say that the most important run of the week is the LR, and I’d take it one step further and say that if you’re returning to running after time away — for injury or just due to life, in general — one of the best ways to re-enter the sport, to get strong again, to up your endurance, and a whole host of other attributes, is by doing as much of your LRs on trails as possible. They are tremendous equalizers and injury mitigators and can do such incredible stuff for your mental muscle.

This feeling that I have suggests that things seem to be clicking. Workouts and long runs (the latter with or without built-in workouts) are both fun and challenging, which can sometimes be an elusive or precarious combination. I’m just thrilled to be training to do this marathon rodeo again for the 32nd time in about 8 weeks from now.

It may make for boring blog fodder to say that things are going well and that I’m happy where I am, but … sorry. My head’s in the ground and will be there for a bit longer, seeing what we can unearth along the way. Bear with me.

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Revelling: New category! I’m still reeling from going down to Ventura a couple weekends ago to spectate at the Mountains to Beach marathon from Ojai to Ventura. It’s a hefty drive from SJ, about five hours +/-, but it’s a hugely popular marathon and half among Bay Area runners. It boasts something like a 700’ net drop (though punctuated with some ascents along the way), and I went down to cheer on many teammates and friends who’d be toeing the line. My friend, teammate, and coach Lisa ran the half (and did great, sub 1:26, notching our club’s master’s F record); my teammate, friend, and training partner Janet killed it in her debut marathon with a 3:26 (and got a sturdy BQ in the process); and I got to see Chicago friend Erica finish her 47th marathon (and score another BQ, too). Many more teammates and friends — like Hannah (sub-3 for her debut marathon), her fiance Phil (2nd place OA), Jenn (first sub-3), Tiffany (sub-3:15 and close to her PR, earning another high master’s level marking in our club), and Melissa (first sub-3) — just killed it out there, and it was so deeply inspiring to watch. I hung out at mile 22 (after seeing Lisa in the half around mile 11) and just had a blast cheering and cowbelling for my teammates. Entertaining Janet for her final 4 miles was also a treat. It was a good day for so many people, and I love that I got to experience a little bit of everyone’s celebration. I’m grateful my sorry ass didn’t cry because these things make me emotional. YAY RUNNING.

 

 

 

 

 

Reading: May had a lot of good stuff. Deena Kastor’s Let Your Mind Run (recapped here) was excellent and one that I would all but implore every runner — particularly distance runner — to read. Maria Shriver’s I’ve Been Thinking was meh, not really my style. I was genuinely surprised at how much I liked Jim Comey’s A Higher Loyalty simply because after reading Hillary’s book last year, I didn’t think I’d be able to stomach anything coming from him. (If you’re even minutely interested in politics and the shitshow that is Washington right now, I’d recommend reading it. It is fascinating and at times, tragic). Michelle McNamara’s I’ll Be Gone in the Dark about the Golden State Killer was equal parts awful and fascinating to read — how are some humans capable of doing such horrible things? — and reading it just weeks after the alleged killer was apprehended — and not long after McNamara, herself, died — was borderline creepy. Bonus creepy factor: the GSK’s slayings in SJ were relatively nearby, and I’m about 90% certain I’ve run by the homes several times. (!!!!) Finally, I finished Scott and Jenny Jurek’s North and loved it; the review is in my drafts folder and is forthcoming. The running lit world is … lit (not sorry) right now.  

Listening: No new music that I can remember in the past month, but a couple podcasts stand out to me: the longest shortest time’s interview with Cecile Richards and sounds like an MLM but OK’s special episode related to NXIVM. The former, with Richards, was really interesting and made a traffic-riddled drive bearable, and honestly, the latter, about NXIVM, was just weird AF. I have so many questions.

Watching: With my MIL staying with us for the entire month, C and I have had more date nights than we’ve had in a while (hooray!), and somewhere in the mix, we got to see a Deadpool 1 & 2 double feature. I won’t elaborate on my opinion about the new movie, in an effort to avoid spoilers, but I’ll admit we had a good time.

Anticipating: Once school ends, the girls and I will be heading to the midwest to see family for a few weeks, which will be great. While I’m there — in the thickest part of SF training — I’m planning to do a couple races, too. Change of scenery is always fun! *cough don’t get lost cough*

Writing: Lots of freelance stuff this past month but not much in this space, unfortunately. Between EOY obligations at my daughter’s school and her GS troop, my writing here suffered. I should perhaps consider committing to a post-a-day challenge or something. Maybe…

Dreading: Nothing comes to mind right now, aside from annoying insurance issues. All that BS I talked about last month is still up in the air and will be so until late July, until my “investigation” gets “finalized” er whatever (and in the interim, we started receiving collections notices, blerg). At the end of last week, I also finally had that super obnoxious test done that my GI ordered, the one that necessitated me eating only plain white rice for 24 hours before the test and then fasting for 12 hours the day of the test, all before going to the actual appointment, sitting around for more than three hours, not drinking or eating anything (and not being allowed to nap), and getting my breath analyzed every 20 minutes. Who the hell knows at this point. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

May was great, and I’m looking forward to all that June has to offer. 

yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeehaw