How did those resolutions (or goals, or intentions, or whatever the ‘in’ word was this year) go over for you in 2019? With just a few weeks left in the year, many of us may be going into introspective mode and ruthlessly evaluating our successes and failures of the past almost-365 days. Obviously, we can do this at any other time of the year, but it’s pretty hard to escape it right now. 

I’ll probably write a yearly recap with all the runnerd stats that I (shamelessly and unabashedly) love to pore over for no other reason than my own edification, so I won’t get into all of that at this moment. With CIM just a couple days ago — and my running it last year for the second time, coming up short of The Big Goals, plotting redemption, and then ultimately deferring because of life conflicts — I think last weekend hit me with a healthy dose of wow, what a weird year this has been. I wouldn’t have been able to guess this stuff if I tried. 

I deferred CIM ‘19 because it was a JO meet weekend for my eldest, and I definitely wanted to be there for all of it, all weekend long; that was all a no-brainer for me when I first learned of the date conflict. Ultimately, however, her qualifiers didn’t match those of the meet (it’s banal details not worth getting into). I didn’t find out this information until pretty late in the CIM training block (with maybe 6 weeks to go), so even though I maybe, kinda, *perhaps* could have squeaked out a mini-training block, when it came down to it, in the name of self-preservation, I simply didn’t want to. 

When CIM race weekend rolled around a few days ago, it was legit the first weekend that my schedule wasn’t jammed to the gills in literal months. I initially thought that maybe I’d be feeling a little down about not participating in CIM, but wow, my feelings couldn’t have been further from the truth. I guess there really is something to the idea of bodily and mentally needing a break from time to time.  

Having this significant mismatch between anticipated feelings and the actual reality makes me laugh. If you asked me at CIM ‘18 what I’d be doing over CIM ‘19 weekend, the obvious answer would have been that I’d be toeing the line in Folsom, ready to throw down and hurl myself toward Sacramento as fast as I possibly could, and ideally after a concerted block of training that left me feeling fast, strong, and powerful. I would have never believed you if you said that I’d actually be staying home with the family for an entire weekend and simply running trails with friends both days (including in several deluges of rain because “it’s just water”), happily checking my friends’ race tracking all morning long.  

It’s an excellent and potent reminder that plans (and feelings) can change. It’s hard to know today what you’ll want a year from now with anything, sure, and with your running (natch). Of course, it makes short- and long-term plotting and scheming a little tricky, but personally, having this realization — and at the risk of sounding ridiculous, having a conversation with myself on the topic — is actually pretty liberating. 

Not knowing exactly what I want with my running in the immediate future — and simply remaining open to my feelings and to experiences as they arise — is completely new territory for me and admittedly a little WTF-inducing, but it’s also a pretty exciting place to be in, too. 

Here’s your open invitation to consider loosening the reigns a bit and doing the same.