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That moment with yourself

That moment with yourself

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Obviously, folks of all different body shapes and sizes, speed, and endurance levels run and proudly wear the “runner” badge. I don’t necessarily think there’s one “look” of a runner, unless we’re talking about the pros whose livelihoods depend upon their running careers, but for the rest of us minions, the gamut is wide and plentiful. One thing that we all have in common, though, pros and minions alike, is our stubbornness type-A -ness bullheadedness determination to realize our goals, and our mini-goals, and our mini-mini-goals, maybe to a fault.

What do you do, then, when you’re fairly certain that said goals aren’t going to come to fruition when you want them to, like during a particular workout (low stakes) or, god forbid, during a race (anytime but that!?)

My inspiration for writing came from my workout yesterday, 9 miles with 8x800m with 2 minute recovery. I really enjoy track-style speedwork, probably more than any other type of run (with the exception of the long run… maybe. big maybe on that), and 800s are no joke. The workout is nice and tiring, it goes by really quickly, and its challenge constantly deceives me because I tend to come to the workout thinking, oh, it’s only _ miles total, even with some breaks. NBD.

Yesterday’s 800s were the first I had done since early July, when I had done 4, on a whim, and before I began training for my Chicago/NYC double; before then, I hadn’t done 800s, or this many of them, since the throes of my Eugene training, when it was about 8 degrees outside and windy as all get-out (thank you, winter in Chicago). To the best of my recollection, I believe yesterday’s 800s were also my one and only batch–if not the first since my high school track days–that I produced on an actual track, instead of the lakefront path.

Thanks, Google and the Chicago Park District, for the picture. Unfortunately, the track is a bit more beat-up than this picture lets on, but it's still pretty sweet to have a track accessible downtown.
Thanks, Google and the Chicago Park District, for the picture. Unfortunately, the track is a bit more beat-up than this picture lets on, but it’s still pretty sweet to have a track accessible downtown.

I wasn’t totally sure of my goals for the 800s, in no small part because I’m still not totally sure of my goals for Chicago/NYC. (Ed. note: start thinking about this). I thought I’d “do the best I can” and try to hit a 3:10-3:15 range, even though I’m *pretty sure* I won’t be aiming for that range in the fall, but hey, who doesn’t like a challenge, right? And, returning to my earlier point about runners being stupid determined to hit our goals for each run’s purpose, I didn’t *really* want to adjust my expectations, based on the heat (about 83-85 degrees) and humidity (50%+), even though I knew I should.

After my first four sets, wherein my times dropped, instead of remaining consistent (3:11, 3:15, 3:17, 3:20), my head started going for a tailspin. In a matter of 20 minutes, I went from this is going to be the best workout ever! I love running! I could do this forever! Rainbows! Unicorns! Children smiling! to Fuck this. I should stop. Seriously, Erin, just stop. No one will notice, know, or care. At the rate you’re going, you’ll be producing 4:xx in a couple repeats. Looks like Chicago’s gonna blow again this year. Looks like you’re on your way out with marathoning. Twenty minutes–that’s all it took.

Once I realized that the mental garbage was damn near sabotaging my run–and one that I really wanted to do well, because I really wanted some feedback–I became that person who talks to herself to get her to her happy place.

Yup; I had no choice.

My recoveries, which went from 100% jogs to walks and walk/jog mixes–which, again, I had to tell myself that I wasn’t “copping out” by letting myself walk to get my heart rate down (see earlier note about the weather)–went from me focusing not only on getting ready for my next two loops around the track, and getting my legs ready to roll, to mentally pscyhing myself out. What I told myself, what I had to tell myself, was the same stuff that I’ll tell my ~2.5 year-old daughter when she’s being a rascal: c’mon. Just try it. You’ll be fine. You can do this. Don’t worry. Just do it. You’re fine. You’re safe. I promise.

My head was in a dark and lonely place there in the hot and humid afternoon sun, and I knew that I would be beyond pissed at myself if I didn’t finish the workout, even if it blew and the rest of the repeats worsened even more.

And would you know… it worked.

Somewhere during my final four sets, I told myself (this time, mentally) that I had read somewhere a couple interesting things: 1) that smiling relaxes your whole body, and 2) don’t think of this run as something I “have to” do; this is most definitely something I “get to” do. I’m not sure of the validity of point one, but regardless, I periodically tried to smile during my final four 800s, which I’m sure made me look like a fool, but I think it worked.

It’s hard to have really negative and horrible thoughts coursing through your mind when you’re grinning like the Cheshire cat.

wouldn't be surprised if I also had the crazy eyes, too
wouldn’t be surprised if I had the crazy eyes, too

Reminding myself that chasing my running unicorns is something that I get to, not have to, do always, always, always knocks me squarely on my ass. I get so caught-up in my aforementioned unicorn pursuit that I periodically forget that there are larger things people deal with (myself included) day in and day out and that TONS of people would love to even have the opportunity to worry about their half-mile repeat times for an hour out of their day, instead of their typical anxiety-and-panic-inducing-fare.

The mental pep talks worked, and I brought the final four home in 3:13, 3:13, 3:16, and 3:13 (almost metronomic there… so close! damn). Compared to the last time I ran 8 800s, yesterday’s were nearly 3 seconds faster, on average. I finished feeling accomplished and also hugely grateful and happy that I was able to do this workout at all (see: earlier note about humility) and in a remarkably better mental place. Truth be told, I haven’t had an extremely mentally-trying workout (that I can recall) in this training cycle yet, so I’m glad I had this. They can suck, but they matter.

It’s these moments that we have with ourselves, that, as runners, we have to have with ourselves, that both show us and teach us that we’re capable of more than we know… even if it takes some self pep-talks that make us look a little strange.

Chicago

NYC marathon

What say you? What was your last workout where you had to have a moment with yourself? What’d you do, and did it work?

Lately

Lately

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Lately, things–running and otherwise–have been going well. The training, which, six months ago, intimidated me to the ends of the earth, is actually pretty manageable, and luckily, my body has been responding well. I think I’m a Pfitz fangirl now. It’s ok; admitting it is probably the first step.  Granted, most of my runs are now predawn vampire runs with Declan, since it seems we’re among the only crazies who have partners and kids and whose schedules necessitate the early runs, but hey, I’ve always been a morning person, anyway.

Our view most mornings. It looks darker than it is. The lakefront, for the most part, is extremely well-lit. [image stolen from stoprunningdad.blogspot.com]
Our view most mornings. It looks darker than it is. The lakefront, for the most part, is extremely well-lit. [image stolen from stoprunningdad.blogspot.com]
The family is doing well, with the little one beginning school here twice a week, on the days that I teach… and oh yeah, I’m beginning to teach again, in a little under a week, actually. Professor Ruminator, FTW. (Note: I tell my students they don’t have to address me as Professor, but I think most of them are, initially, at least, pretty afraid of me, so they do. It’s endearing. I try not to let all the marathoning business come spewing out on the first day, but it’s typically my go-to “about me” mention that is somewhat interesting, operative word here being “somewhat”).

future Blue Demon... but hanging out in an anthill (?) at the LP Zoo in the interim. Baby steps to higher ed.
future Blue Demon… but hanging out in an anthill (?) at the LP Zoo in the interim. Baby steps to higher ed.

Anyway, I’m looking forward to resuming teaching after a couple quarters off and then peaking a few more times in advance of Chicago, and then hitting the homestretch flying for mary #20, a statistic that still blows me away. Never in a million years when I signed up for, and ran, Chicago in 2007, my first, did I think that just a handful of years later, I’d be running it again for the fourth time and as my twentieth race. And, while I’m stoked to be running NYC, I haven’t, and most likely won’t, think about any race strategy for it until after Chicago. Hell, I’m just now entering the early stages of Chicago strategy brainstorming anyway.

with Sarah (center) and Traci (right) at the Shamrock Shuffle 8k in 2007, my first race. Throwback to my fundraising for the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society: http://www.active.com/donations/fundraise_public.cfm?force_a2=yes&ckey=tntil&key=tntilEMink.
with Sarah (center) and Traci (right) at the Shamrock Shuffle 8k in 2007, my first race. Pretty sure I wore those stylin’ purple mesh shorts that year for the Shuffle. Throwback to my fundraising for the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society for mary #1 in ’07: http://www.active.com/donations/fundraise_public.cfm?force_a2=yes&ckey=tntil&key=tntilEMink.

The lull in blogging is due mostly to time–being a SAHM doesn’t lend itself to having oodles of spare time on your hands, especially when your kiddo is as active and curious as mine (read: anytime I sit down, my lap, and whatever I’m doing [reading, talking on the phone, eating, whatever] is fair game)–but also, if I’m being honest, mostly due to a dry spell. Many bloggers whose stuff I read each week post a weekly roundup of their workouts, how things went, and how they’re feeling. I totally enjoy reading them, yet I haven’t written them myself because I figure no one wants to read my ramblings about my runs, particularly since I go into aggravating detail on my dailymile entries every morning. If I don’t talk about my training, what else can I talk about? I’m not an expert on anything, in particular, related to running; I merely speak from my own experiences (and those of my friends I’ve assisted in some way). I don’t do giveaways or sponsored posts.  I guess I could react to whatever goings-on in the running community that are sweeping the interwebz, but honestly, by the time I read said goings-on, and then get to a computer to react, it could be days, weeks, or months, even…and stale news sucks.

However, I have had a few good friends rock their recent marathons–and all in Wisconsin, strangely enough–that has given me some awesome dose of inspiration for my fall mary schedule and whose accounts are worth reading. Don’t get me wrong; I had no doubt that all three of these fine speed racers–Ken, AB (Annabelle), and Meredith–were going to blaze, but how MUCH they blazed, and with what AUTHORITY, was just badass. Apparently Wisconsin is the place to run some awesome marathons these days!

I’ve bookmarked Ken’s, AB’s, and Meredith’s race recaps and pretty much get nothing short of totally fired up when I read, or re-read, their accounts, because I appreciate a) how much balls they had to bust to rock like they did (lettin’ ’em hang out, ladies and gents!) and b) how sweet it is to bask in the afterglow, even if only temporarily, as they totally celebrate their realization of their goal. Sharing in their victory, and drawing inspiration from them, is a sweet privilege that unites all us folks in the runner community, a privilege that (I’d wager) non-runners don’t “get” on the same level. I think I get equal parts teary and wanting to go kick ass when I read their accounts or even think of their victories. (I’m a sap and apparently love me some pathos). And, sidenote, as if my runner buddies’ sweet, sweet victories weren’t enough, AB and Ken both are doing some serious good in the world via their running pursuits this fall. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, read all about it here and here, and consider helping a sister and brother out.

Anyway, that’s really about it these days. Take it as no news being good news, I suppose. We’re at almost a month, and just under two months, until Chicago and NYC respectively, and I’m getting excited. I’m still trying very much to focus on the workout at hand (and trying really hard not to look ahead at next week’s workouts), and I think the mindfulness is grounding me and helping to keep me present in my workouts which, if you know me, can be a bit of a challenge.  I’m enjoying the game of trying to juggle family stuff with training and soon, teaching, and I look to my runs each day as opportunities to prove to myself that I have what it takes to achieve my goals this fall, ambitious and let-the-balls-fly as they might seem.

What say, er, write, you, when you feel you’ve got nothing worthwhile? Tell me about your fall race(s) training!